Vatican Humor


After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo(and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today..’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen?’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning..

‘Who’s going to tell?’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms..
(Remember, the Pope is German..)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness!’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.

‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,’ All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘ A senator?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’
Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think i t’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,
‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’


Not only can gassing up the car get expensive, but driving is also not so hot for the environment. Using more fuel means increased emissions. In fact, every 6 pounds (2.7 kilograms) of fuel you burn creates 19 pounds (8.6 kilograms) of harmful carbon dioxide, along with other emissions that contribute to global warming and air pollution.

Even if you’re not concerned about environmental issues, saving fuel just makes sense. Fuel prices are higher than ever, and filling up those tanks is tough on our wallets.

Unfortunately, not all fuel-saving methods work as well as they claim to. Changing the air filter, for example, doesn’t improve your car’s mileage, and neither does filling up your tank in the morning while the weather and fuel are cooler. Do you want to skip the myths and actually spend less on fuel? We’ve got some solid tips and techniques to help you increase your miles per gallon (mpg) and save yourself a trip to the pump!

10: Don’t Idle

Whether you’re sitting in traffic or starting up your car on a cold, winter day, idling is just a waste of fuel — and it’s actually bad for your engine. Expert advice varies on when it’s better to shut off the engine than to idle. Some say that if you’ll be idling for 10 seconds or more, you’re better off just shutting off the car until it’s time to move again. Others say that a minute of idling is OK, but after that you’re wasting fuel. Whether you take the short or the long estimate, once you start paying attention to idling, you might be surprised at how often you do it.

Warming up the engine is one of the most common culprits when it comes to idling your car. Modern engines don’t need to be warmed up when the weather is cold. In fact, driving will warm up your car faster than idling in the driveway, so your car’s heater will actually start working faster if you just hit the road.

That’s fine in winter, but what about getting better mileage in the summer?

9: Running the Air

There’s something of a debate about when it’s more fuel-efficient to run the car’s air conditioning rather than relying on open windows to cool you down. While running the AC saps power from the engine and reduces fuel economy, driving with the windows down increases drag and costs you miles per gallon by making your car less aerodynamic. So, which is it?

While the speed at which the drag becomes more of a fuel drain than the AC varies from car to car, in general you want to rely on windows for in-town driving and switch to the air conditioner when you hit the highway.

Highway speeds can optimize your gas mileage, but only up to a point. Find out how on the next page!

8: Drive 55

Speeding is a major factor in fuel economy. You might get to your destination more quickly if you’re going 65 versus 55 miles per hour (104.6 versus 88.5 kilometers per hour), but you’re decreasing your car’s fuel efficiency by around 15 percent while you’re at it.

For every 5 miles (8 kilometers) per hour you’re driving over 55 (88.5), you’re essentially raising your gas prices by 21 cents per gallon, and that’s assuming the price at the pump is only $3 per gallon. Of course, 55 miles (88.5 kilometers) per hour is just an average. Calculating your car’s ideal speed for fuel economy is much more complicated. The ideal speed tends to be between 40 and 60 miles per hour (64.4 and 96.6 kilometers per hour), with sportier cars topping out at the higher speeds and larger vehicles at the lower end of that spectrum.

Speeding is just one way that your driving style can guzzle gas, but how else can your driving habits impact your car’s gas mileage?

7: Don’t Drive Like a Maniac

Don’t race to that red light and then peel out when it turns green — quick braking and accelerating wastes gas. Instead, you can ride out your car’s momentum and take advantage of your engine’s idle revolutions per minute to save some gas.

It’s not the braking that wastes gas. The problem is that you’re using fuel to close the distance between you and a situation where you’re going to have to stop. Instead of keeping your foot on the accelerator, let your car coast to that light, applying the brakes later when you need to come to a full stop.

When the light turns green, let up on the brake, but don’t hit the gas right away. Instead, let your car get to its coasting speed on its own before hitting the accelerator. It only takes a couple of seconds, and you’ll save on fuel.

Some drivers take these fuel-saving driving habits to the extreme, getting as much as 100 miles (160.9 kilometers) per gallon!

6: Try Hypermiling

Some of the tips we’ve touched on could fall under hypermiling, but true hypermiling goes further than simple techniques like coasting when you can and turning the car off instead of idling. Serious hypermilers have increased their cars’ mileage by several times the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rating. One Arizona hypermiler was actually disappointed to only get around 88 miles (141.6 kilometers) per gallon out of his 2000 Honda Insight.

Hypermiling will definitely boost your mileage, but some hypermiling methods, like riding closely behind trucks to reduce wind resistance, can be dangerous. Here are a few common ways that hypermilers obtain those incredible miles-per-gallon numbers:

– sticking to 55 miles (88.5 kilometers) per hour on the highway, even when it’s below the speed limit
– forgoing the air conditioner and rolling up the windows, even on sweltering hot days
– turning off the car at stop lights
– overinflating their car tires to reduce drag
– coasting with the car turned off
– drafting, or riding close to large trucks to decrease drag

Techniques can range from the common sense to the outright dangerous, so play it safe if you want to try hypermiling.

Driving style can definitely have a big impact on your mileage, but what can you do to your car to squeeze out a few more miles per gallon?

5: Clean Out Your Trunk

Sure, cleaning out your car makes it more pleasant to drive, but it can also improve your gas mileage. Removing 100 pounds (45.4 kilograms) of weight from your car gives it a fuel economy boost of 1 to 2 percent. That might sound like a lot of extra weight, but many of us use our cars’ trunks as storage spaces. Are you stashing your golf clubs or a stroller in your trunk? Pulling those things out and toting them only when you need them can help improve your miles per gallon with very little effort.

Auto makers are taking weight very seriously, striving to build lighter, more fuel-efficient cars. By replacing bulkier metals with lighter-weight ones like aluminum, they can improve mileage by as much as 10 percent without making any other changes to the design or the engine.

Cleaning out your car is just the beginning.

4: Get a Tuneup

Maintaining your car’s engine can go a long way in fuel savings. If your car needs service, a simple tuneup can improve gas mileage by around 4 percent. Make sure you’re also changing your oil on schedule and using the right grade of motor oil for your car. That little bit of maintenance can buy you another 1 to 2 percent increase in fuel economy. You can check the owner’s manual to see what grade of motor oil the car manufacturer recommends.

While a tuneup can make a big difference in gas mileage, maintenance won’t always impact fuel economy. One common myth is that changing the air filter will improve your miles per gallon, but for most cars produced since the 1980s, this isn’t true. If you have an older car, though, make sure you’re changing that filter once a year or every 12,000 miles (19,312 kilometers) for a fuel savings boost of 2 to 6 percent.

Your engine isn’t the only thing that needs maintenance if you want to maximize your miles per gallon. See how tending to your tires can boost fuel economy.

3: Check Your Tires

Underinflated tires create drag and can decrease gas mileage by 3 percent or more. It’s simple to check your car’s tire pressure using an inexpensive tire gauge. Most tires should be at around 30 to 35 pounds per square inch (psi), and your owner’s manual will tell you what psi is ideal for your car. You should check your tire pressure at least once a month and add air when necessary.

The trick with tires is to maintain a safe tire pressure without overinflating. While slightly overinflating your tires can increase gas mileage, it also ups your risk of blowing a tire and makes it harder to brake and turn the car. You don’t want to put fuel savings ahead of your own safety.

Maintaining your car can go a long way in getting better mileage, but for some drivers, switching to a fuel-efficient vehicle is worth the money.

2: Invest in a Fuel-efficient Vehicle

While not everyone can afford a new car, ditching an old clunker for a more modern, fuel-efficient vehicle is one of the most significant ways to save money on gas. Fuel savings only increase if you choose a hybrid or electric vehicle. The U.S. Department of Energy (DOE) estimates that trading in a car that gets 20 miles (32.2 kilometers) per gallon for one that gets 30 miles (48.3 kilometers) per gallon can save you $945 per year in fuel, and that’s with gas prices at $3.78 per gallon. Over a few years, you might be able to make up the difference in price between your old car and your new one. With prices on the rise, a fuel-efficient vehicle will save even more cash over time.

Depending on your car’s current mileage and what car you’re considering, you may also be able to save enough in fuel costs to justify the higher car payments.

So, what’s the No. 1 way to save on fuel? Check out some tips for ways to get around without cranking that engine.

1: Drive Less

Of course, the most fuel-efficient car is the one that isn’t running at all. Using your feet or pedal power to get around can save you cash and help you get in better shape. Try walking or riding your bike for short errands rather than hopping in the car, and your wallet and waistline will thank you.

If your area has a transit system, look into commuting by train or bus instead of in your car. Not only does mass transit save on fuel, but you can also read your book or listen to a podcast on your commute without fretting about traffic. Is transit not an option, and your daily commute is too long a haul on foot? Set up a carpool with coworkers who live nearby to save fuel instead.

No matter what steps you take to drive less, leaving that car in the driveway is hands down the best gimmick-free way to use less gas.

IT’S THE million dollar question – what do women really want? MAIL TODAY asked women in Delhi about the simple things that can make them happy.

1. An automatic fat elimination process in the body.

“If scientists can discover superbugs and name them after good old Delhi, they can surely find the bug that can automatically eliminate all the fat the moment I bite into a burger with extra cheese,” says Neha Rameja, 25, a marketing professional.

2. Husbands to be a little more appreciative of our cooking.

Please grow up guys, not everyone can cook like your mom – she spent 40 years in the kitchen. Can’t you give us some more time?

3. A maid with a silencer attached.

Available 24×7, this wonder maid should keep her mouth shut and work for nothing. This is what men call a wife. “It is amazing how all the Ramu kaka s in movies are so obedient and pampering – too bad they don’t exist in real life,” says Sharada Ramakrishnan, 26, a software professional.

4. A man.

It is not too difficult to get one – but if you want one with the following features, you may have to look for him on another galaxy. “He should love you like you are the last woman in the universe. He should multitask, be amazing in bed and know exactly what we want,” says Moushumi Gongopadhyay, a corporate trainer.

Nidhi Batra, brand manager at a food retail chain adds: “They should be there only when we need them because they can’t stop nagging at times.

5. Not to be asked ‘Where’s my wallet/ glasses/ car keys/ handkerchief?’ every single morning by the other half.

It is because of things like these that women sometimes wish they had a punching bag! Can men ever learn to take care of their precious belongings (no puns intended)?

6. Zero-calorie versions of hot chocolate fudge, chocolate truffle cake, and everything else in chocolate.

We’d love to live on pure junk food – potato chips, cheesy pizzas, fried chicken – on a regular basis without feeling guilty about it.

7. Holidays that give us the chance to read just one book, without being interrupted with ‘I am HUNGRY, Mom?’ or ‘I am BORED’ every few minutes.

“I have not read one good book since I gave birth to my precious little,” says Malavika Datta, teacher and mother to an eight-year-old girl.

8. A body of our choice.

It could be Angelina Jolie’s one month or J Lo’s the next, depending on the kind of look we take a fancy to.

9. A long, hot bath with a glass of wine and aromatic candles all around and a scenic view from the bathroom.

No one knocking at the bathroom door, no barging in.

10. A decent home-cooked dinner prepared by our better halves.

When we are too exhausted to cook, men should chip in and prepare a meal for us and clean up the kitchen for a change. Note: Maggi is excluded from the list.

11. To be able to admire the dishy buttocks and the smooth skin of a younger man without feeling terrified when we realise we could be old enough to be his mother.

Just appreciating a hot bod doesn’t mean we are cougars.

12. No backseat driving please.

We love the idea of long drives but constant criticism of our driving skills really puts us off. “If men have a problem with our driving, why can’t they get us a dishy chauffeur or a car that drives by itself,” says Rameja. Women can drive and that’s the reason why the government decided to give them a driver’s license.

13. No backbiting, tutting or arched eyebrows from male colleagues when we have to dash off from work to pick up a sick child.

It is a genuine problem, we would never go out shopping on the pretext of our child falling sick.

14. One fruitful, decent conversation with our husbands at least once a day.

Communication is the key to a successful relationship but competing with the latest man gadget – whether an iPhone or iPad – really gets on one’s nerves.

15. To go out on the roads of Delhi and know we won’t be stared at or eve-teased or mugged; to talk to the bankers without being asked ‘Can we talk to your husband?’.

It is a man’s world, we agree, but people should consider the fact that we might, just might, bring in half the household income, if not more. We do wish at times that we are spoken eye to eye rather than eye to breast.

16. Meaningful, loving sex, with a long, endless foreplay, preceded and followed by candlelight conversations, cuddles, chocolates and kisses.

It sounds cliched but women love cliches and have all the right to get a little selfish in bed once in a while. PS: A quickie will do only if we have to get up earlier than usual.

17. Endearing and well-thought out surprises.

Women love surprises and it is high time men understood this. We don’t want diamond rings. An empty laundry basket, a bottle of that Sauvignon Blanc, possession of the TV remote for a whole evening, and a day to be spent exactly as we wish – just once in a blue moon.

18. A wardrobe that refreshes itself after every six months, says Rameja. “Who wants to wear something that is oh-so-last-season?” she asks. True. Everyone wants new clothes that can suit every occasion. But on the contrary we end up with a pile of not just last season’s clothes, but last decade’s. It makes us feel dull as dishwater.

19. Good obedient children who are loving and appreciative, who don’t treat their mothers as slaves. Can’t children go to bed with a smile on their faces rather than crying at the injustice of their mothers? We’ve read 100 parenting books, for goodness sake. None of them seem to be working on our children.

20 Bras that fit.

We wonder why it is so difficult for us to get bras that are of the right size. Fancy, lacy, sexy bras that lift our cleavage and our moods would do wonders for sure. We hate it when someone points out bra straps peeping out of our sleeves.

21. Unlimited free local and international calls and a cell phone that upgrades itself every six months.

Women TALK and who wouldn’t want to talk in style. But the exorbitant bills are a pain in the neck.

22. A high paying, stress-free, enjoyable and a satisfying job that needs the least amount of work.

“One can go off on vacations every two weeks,” says Ramakrishnan. “And of course, I should be the boss,” she adds.

23. A bed meant for a princess/ queen and for a change readied by the man of the house.

Huge fluffed-up pillows and a luxurious duvet that is changed regularly. Have men wondered why we don’t want to spend time in bed?

24. Silver and bronze artefacts that never go dull… never a layer of dust anywhere, even after a dust storm. And white linen, upholstery and tapestry that never get dirty.

25. A day at the spa.

We need at least one day in a month at the spa, getting pampered without worrying about the fat bill we have to pay at the end of the day, says Ramakrishnan.

26. Lifelong supply of matching footwear, bags and watches.

It is a headache to get accessories that go with all our dresses. “Wouldn’t it be great if our accessories changed colours according to the dresses we wear?” asks Gongopadhyay.

27. A Saturday night out dining with friends or at the movies rather than ending up watching television at home because the husband is busy at work. That would be the perfect way to end the week.

28. Jam free/clutter-free roads where we can drive without hearing swear words being used freely. Or else, be prepared for us to retort in similar fashion.

29. Pay our bills whenever we want to.

We hate being bugged by banks, and mobile phone service providers. We know we have to pay our bills and we are not running away with your money. “I wonder why these people don’t go after the guys who give fake addresses and don’t pay their bills regularly. We are law abiding women and we will give them their money when we have it,” says Batra.

30. A clean home.

When a woman goes out for the day and leaves her husband in charge of the kids, she does not want to come back and see the children hungry and awake, tomato ketchup stains on the bed and messy bottles in the kitchen (including beer bottles). She wants the tables cleared of dirty dishes and no piles of dirty clothes on the floor.

A woman can always dream, can’t she?

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